I went for a walk this morning. Trying to be committed to the routine, dog needs to be walked and have his run, boy needs to get on the bus. The dishes need to be washed and put away. Tidy, clean, vacuum, laundry, groceries, cook. House gets messed, food gets eaten, repeat. In amongst which we live our lives, right ladies. My life has been blessed, I have people who love me, my children make me proud, we have great laughs, tender moments, enjoy each others company, great friends. It really shouldn’t get much better than my life. Yet, here I sit, grateful, knowing I’m blessed, wanting to help people, wanting to listen to people, and still getting stuck in my head.
On my walk I was listening to music, loud!! I was walking and dancing and talking to myself. Mouthing the words, and just really not giving a crap, who may be looking. Yet, in the back of my mind, is that thought, that knowing that someone will be watching, judging, misunderstanding. Not caring felt so freeing, it reminded me of that girl I use to be. I just wanted to love people, run around and kiss people, dance and sing and play. My heart has always been rebellious. It doesn’t want to sit at a desk, or follow what others do, or be important because of a school I attended or someone important I know. My heart wasn’t that kind of heart, yet it was stuck in that kind world. When people try to compete with each other, about kids, or cars or houses. It makes me want to barf, and there are times I myself have been lead astray, in with people who want to be better and more important. People who put others down to build up themselves, even though this is not my heart, I got caught up because of my own need to fit in. I can honestly say, that my entire life, for what ever reason, maybe it is because I’m crazy, I have never totally fit in, anywhere. I have this overwhelming urge to shout all of my crazy ideas, theories and love from the rooftops today but this day will go by and chances are I wont. We can all say we don’t care what other people think, and maybe even deep down we mean it. But at the end of the day, we are human, and humans have a need to be apart of society, to be understood. This need to belong, this need not to be judged has restricted me from doing so many things in this life time.
When I got home from my walk, I went downstairs and danced. Something I haven’t done in a long time. I danced and I sang, I sang badly but I still sang. Then I got this feeling of joy, joy of wanting to create, create and move my body and be strong and free, wild and crazy. Feeling like I have the strength to take all my sexuality back, I feel strong, beautiful, not like there is housework to do, or am worried about the kids, just a woman, who has hopes and dreams and still wants to be lovable and desired. I miss the feeling. The feeling of flirting with the unknown. I am so much more than that, but at the same time, I always enjoyed having a power, a dark mysterious power. I ask myself, why I ever put it away? Why didn’t it fit with the other parts of my world?
I want to be me, really be myself. I long for that feeling, to live like you were dying, be exactly who you want to be. I long to be around like-minded people. I am blessed, loving, grateful and I want to share my full personality with the world.
Today I am thankful for a glimpse of that girl, thankful for the reminder that she still exists!