Here is what I have learned. The days repeat, and they move fast. Feeling regretful or resentful of time passing or how you spent it, is redundant, you can’t get it back. Days keep repeating the pattern of passing and they don’t feel one bit bad about it.
Reading my journal this morning I am transported back to March. I am boasting about how well I felt this winter. I was getting things done, working out, losing weight, working on my website, writing, coaching. I was feeling good, on track, like after all these years I finally had the key in my hand and I was running to open that door. The elusive door of totally moving towards having it all together. Then what happen you say? Well, I will tell you what happen. Mother nature that wench, stuck out her foot and tripped my ass, I garage saled all over my proverbial forward motion. Landing ass up with my head stuck in a snowbank. Oh sure, I can still pretend like on the outside I’m not a melting, spinning, looping mess. The untrained eye would never detect a thing. But, on the inside I am hanging on for dear life, feeling like I am about to plunge to my death over a cliff, of, I don’t fit into this world and no one around me truly understands or gets how I feel, or cares about the way my brain is processing at this moment in time. What makes things worse, and it always does. Is trying to hide this from the outside world, because you know they either wont get it, won’t want to get it or will completely relate, in which case they will probably go screaming 100 miles an hour in the opposite direction.
Its hard to be honest about mental health. Its hard to come out and say I need some help here. Its hard to admit that you can go from high functioning, happy and content one day. To over thinking, angry, sad, frustrated and insecure by the next. Sometimes experiencing both sides of the coin all in one day, sometimes you see it coming, but this winter, I didn’t.
What does spinning, looping, melting look like? I get stuck on things and obsess about them. Problems that normally I can work through quite easily, begin to feel like mountains I can’t conquer. I feel trapped and struggle to see solutions or the strength in a challenge which is usually my jam. I become insecure and scared of the world around me. I feel hopeless and unaccomplished. I also feel lonely, and yet the only thing I feel comfortable doing is trying to hide and withdraw from even the ones I love most in this world. I feel like an open wound, everything hurts me, and at the same time I use my energy to hide from the world that anything is wrong. Most of all, I just feel tired.
Tired and sad, that’s how I have felt over the last three weeks. Thankfully it is passing now that the sun has come out and the winter weather has finally decided to move on. Honestly in the last three weeks, there were days that I felt greyer than the skies that were pushing down on me. Just so grey and one dimensional. Just so sad and angry with the world around me. Frustrated at the importance we put on things that when the chips are down, really aren’t important at all. Angry with the messages society sends out through social media.
I am writing this blog and hope I have the guts to post it. I hope that my honesty can help others to be honest. I hope that one day we can all be vulnerable and leave our guilt and shame of imperfection behind us. I hope that by writing this I can be another step closer towards my goal for the year, of embracing everything I am, and leaving everything I’m not behind me. This year I am trying to give up guilt. The guilt of not being enough, not being able to turn back time and not being everything, I think I should be. Am I what you call crazy? Probably! Is it going to rub off on you if you embrace me and all my layers? Maybe, if your lucky. I have made a deal with myself, that this is the year i become un-numb. I can see now, that’s its not going to be easy, at times its going to downright hurt, its going to leave me vulnerable and exposed, but at least it will be a complete reflection of my true self, my authentic self, my best self.